Cue normal world vibes: A man with a mustache doesn’t like people, he does like buns, he doesn’t like people who dress funny, he likes no post on Sundays. Cue old man with a long beard; is he Merlin? Is he Gandalf? Michael Gambon? Nope, its Brian, I mean Dumbledore: He’s old, he likes socks, scars in the shape of maps, and candy; he does not like being called Brian. He whips out a Deluminator and sucks up all the light in the street so no one sees him break child abandonment laws. Suddenly the cat on the wall that was pissing off mister mustache guy earlier turns into a women, a sexy little grey fox called Minerva McGonagall, she’s here because cats fucking hate secrets. Then a giant dude shows up on a flying motorbike and drops right in to this little party like they aren’t trying to be sneaky. He’s got a baby on the bike with no helmet on, which is fine with Dumbledore because he doesn’t give a single flying shit about child safety, and because he’s so meta that he knows the protagonist won’t die in the first chapter of the book anyway. This dope little gang drops the baby on mister mustache guy’s doorstep and proceeds to fuck off for 10 years.
Cue time jump: Harry Potter has a big oval egg head, no one likes him because he has a big oval egg head, his aunt keeps trying to cut his hair and it keep growing back because Harry wants to hide his big oval egg head. Mustache guy hates harry because his big oval egg head won’t fit in normal clothes. Harry has a cousin who’s fat, fatty cousin can’t do math, he likes to sit on toy guns, and hates when Harry gets letters. Cue Harry getting a letter–shit its probably the Library asking for a book back; hold up wait, mustache guy doesn’t like mail either, decides to board up the mail slot because he’s tired of getting trolled. Finally, he’s like screw this, screw all this spam, I’m going to drive to a car park, no a bridge, no a field, no a hut on a rock in the sea. He buys a gun to shoot the mail. Giant dude shows up, break mister mustache guy’s gun, losses his deposit on the hut, gives fatty cousin a pig’s tail, tells oval head to trust him because he’s a stranger–classic mistake. Brings big oval egg head to London, chases some clout in a local bar–people really like oval egg head, turns out he’s famous as shit, stutter mcturban face has a conniption when he sees big oval egg head because that’s just how he is–sike its cause stutter face is actually a bad guy (more on that later). Giant dude and oval head go to a bank and giant dude drops the literary equivalent the biggest fuck you’ve ever heard–Cue scene: Oval egg head: “I never know what’s the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite.” Giant dude: “Stalagmite’s got an M in it (you fucking oval egg head lil bitch).” Mic drop of the century, oval egg head needs some burn cream, he needs some fucking water, he should just go back home at this point.
Oval egg head gets a wand from some old creep and goes back home to mister mustache guy for another month, fatty cousin still has a tail. Harry goes to the train station and acts like an ass for awhile until another foxy lady Molly Weasley helps him out. One of her sons is the same age as oval egg head and they bond because they’re both poor–sike oval head is rich now so he buys all the food on the train so no one else can get any. Foxy Molly’s son is a ginger but oval egg head doesn’t care because ginger face has a pet rat. Slithery snake Malfoy comes in pissed because oval head has all the food, oval egg head is like fuck you you’re blonde, blonde nose Malfoy is like see you later bitch. A girl comes in at some point and she has smart pants, she comes in and tells ginger face that he’s dirty and leaves. They get to Hogwarts, a hat tells ginger face his family is too big, puts smarty pants Hermione in the brave house because he feels like, and pretty much lets oval egg head pick which house he wants to go too. Classes start and oval egg head and ginger face are late to everything; giant dude has a dragon egg, smarty pants hates ginger face and oval egg head because they’re too cool for school but then she changes her mind.One of the teachers has greasy hair. Oval egg head isn’t paying attention when greasy hair talks so greasy hair blows up his spot. Oval egg head thinks greasy hair is a bad guy because oval egg head doesn’t know shit. Michael Gambon look alike Richard Harris is like “Do NOT go to the dark forest or the second level corridor on the right hand side. You will DIE, seriously DON’T go there.” Oval egg head, ginger face, smarty pants, and dumb dumb Neville decide to go both places and pretty much almost get fucked up both times. Our Michael Gambon/Merlin/Gandalf look alike gives oval egg head a invisibility cloak so he can break rules easier.
Oval egg head turns out to be really good at riding brooms, while he’s riding a broom blonde boy Malfoy drops some fire on ginger face and dumb dumb Neville–Set Scene: Blonde boy “If brains were money you’d (dumb dumb) be poorer then ginger face.” Ginger face/dumb dumb–no respond *Oval egg head broom dives: “Look ginger face oval egg head must have seen some money on the floor.” This is really as good as it gets when it comes to comedy of any kind on any medium.
Oval egg head, smarty pants, and ginger face want to stop greasy hair from stealing a rock, but dumb dumb Neville is in the way–Boom smarty pants attacks him; now there’s a three-headed dog in the way–Boom they put it to sleep; then some creepy plants–Boom smarty pants makes a fire with her wand because they don’t have wood; a flying key–Boom oval egg head break its wings; a chess set–Boom ginger face falls down; a troll–Boom they do nothing; some potions–Boom smarty pants is too smart and oval egg head goes in to face greasy hair alone..
But oh shit, its not greasy hair at all! Plot twist, it’s actually stutter McTurban head, he was the bad guy all along, and he’s got endgame boss Voldemort’s head living in his turban. Stutter McTurban attacks oval egg head but oval head kills him with the power of love. Endgame boss Voldemort is like Goddamnit and gets the hell out of there. Oval egg head passes out and wakes up with Michael Gambon, I mean Michael Richard leaning over him; old guy eats some ear wax and feeds oval head some class A bullshit. Oval egg head goes to the final feast and Old Guy is like you guys finished in last place, but guess what, oval egg head is my new favorite so I’m just going to give it to you guys cause fuck it, I’m fucking Gandalf.. I mean Old Guy *crowd goes crazy.
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